A Celebration of Hidden Secret Stuff in the Movies
The pipe in the hand of the skeleton of the Arctic sea captain leads to an invisible map on the back of the Declaration of Independence which contains a secret code to a cypher hidden in the letters-
Like many self-curious adults, I watch movies now that I watched many times as a child with a discerning eye, attempting to understand what ingredients they pitched into the cauldron of childhood that brewed the batch of Mitch I am today. Somehow, I’ve discovered, one of the most fundamental ingredients, one of the most viscerally “me,” is the thrill of uncovering “hidden secret stuff.”
Think, pulling a book on a bookcase to open a secret door. Think stripping plaster at the old Valentino manor to discover an ancient stone wall etched with symbols and runes. Think summoning a bridge out of the water that leads to the hidden lair of the Forty Thieves!
I love a movie with secret hidden stuff; usually, I love the plain existence of secret hidden stuff more than I love the secret-stuff-that-is-hidden (treasure, tomes, tombs, etc). Hiding secret stuff builds instant anticipation, in often goofy ways (Da Vinci Code), but in effective ways nonetheless. The hidden secretness begs, “Why?” For what reason did you make this stuff secret? Why hide it so effectively, while leaving behind such extraordinarily intricate clues to its eventual rediscovery?
Yet for all those questions, for all the chin-scratching puzzles, face-scrunching riddles, grimace-inducing maps, the absurd intricacy of the scavenger hunt required to finally access the secret stuff…when that lock clicks, when that stone door grinds open, when the lid on the chest pops unlocked…I mean, c’mon. That’s the shit! Though, yes, “the shit” also tends to lead to the theft of ancient cultural artifacts that “belong in a museum.” *Tugs on collar.* Pobody’s nerfect?
The following films include moments of the greatest Hidden Secret Stuff catharsis. Beware spoilers for each below.
National Treasure
National Treasure might just be the Hidden Secret Stuff movie to end all Hidden Secret Stuff movies. Not only is it explicitly about Hidden Secret Stuff, but the actual hunting down, discovering, and puzzling out of the Hidden Stuff is deeply satisfying — if also deeply silly. From the moment Sir Nicolas Cage (Knight of the Hidden Secret Order) finds an ivory pipe stuffed in a barrel of gunpowder clutched in the skeletal death grip of a sea captain buried in the Arctic ice floe for two centuries (*inhale*), it’s secret uncovering secret uncovering secret. Better still, the movie culminates not only in one of the most ridiculous treasure troves ever assembled on screen (this, after all, is a treasure that has been kept hidden and secret since before the Biblical days of King Solomon), but in a final puzzle that directly calls back to the very first discovery of the film. Remember: the secret lies with Charlotte.
The Pope’s Exorcist
Needing to keep this list remotely relevant to the modern era, and not presenting it in any particular order, next up is everyone’s favorite Exorcist-to-the-Pope. On first impression, The Pope’s Exorcist might not be the most intuitive pick for a Hidden Secret Stuff movie. What, is Pazuzu hiding ancient treasures now? The demon itself is surely not the secret stuff in question. No, here, much like in The Da Vinci Code, the Hidden Secret Stuff is none other than…the buried shameful past of the Catholic Church! *Cue thunder, lightning, organ sting!*
And these secrets are so buried. The Pope’s Exorcist mostly takes place at a crumbling villa in Spain, somewhat confusingly bequeathed to a blue collar American family recovering from a personal tragedy and struggling to get by, hoping that their renovation and resale of this capital F-U Fixer-Upper will get them back on their feet. Alas, a demon has something to say about that. And then…
A construction crew uncovers an old wall covered in mysterious symbols! Russell Crowe (titular Pope Exorcist) discovers a well, sealed with a metal cap emblazoned with the secret logo of the secretive Catholic Secrets Commission (paraphrasing but essentially true)! At the bottom of the well, that is lined with skulls(!), there are skeletons and yet another secret door! Behind that secret door…I mean, I have to leave some secrets for you to see for yourself, don’t I?
For the sheer unexpectedness of its Hidden Secret Stuff, for the stuff’s integral importance to the plot, and for the sheer abundance of symbols and skulls, I declare The Pope’s Exorcist to be the best Hidden Secret Stuff movie to hit screens in years.
Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade
This list would hardly be complete without mention of the great secret stuff-finder of yesteryear, Indiana Jones. I grew up with Dr. Jones; at least, with his first and third adventures, Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade, respectively. To my family, Temple of Doom, for all entertainment intents and purposes, did not exist. And that’s fine for this list, as Temple of Doom, for all its various, hm, “charms,” does not offer much in the way of Hidden Secret Stuff besides a Hidden Secret Heart-Devouring Cult. Raiders offers more, certainly, between the opening golden idol sequence as well as the long-buried resting place of the Ark of the Covenant. The map room scene is inarguably an all-time Hidden Secret Stuff moment. But for the most, and best, Hidden Secret Stuff in the Indiana Jones anthology, we look to, and celebrate, The Last Crusade.
Nearly every sequence in The Last Crusade features Hidden Secret Stuff:
The opening finds a young Indy stumbling upon an illegal dig site, making his getaway through a secret trap door in a magic box that…somehow…leads outside…the train? Sure it does.
In Venice, Indy, his old friend Marcus (Marcus Brody!), and extremely trustworthy new associate Elsa break open the X-marked floor of a library to explore ancient catacombs, before breaking open another wall to unveil even ancient-er catacombs containing the sarcophagus of a long-dead knight bearing the engraving of a map. (Only this year I learned that the giant X on the library floor is actually invisible on ground level and can only be seen from above, in a sort of ancient Magic Eye puzzle. I’d always thought Indy running upstairs to point it out was more of a dramatic flair kind of thing. Or a movie goof. Nope. It’s tricks!)
In Austria, Indy and his father run Yakety Sax through a castle chock-full o’ secret doors and staircases.
Finally, in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon, there are the tests of worthiness of those who would seek the Holy Grail. For our purposes, there is a Hidden Secret Bridge that Indy climactically stumbles upon. The Grail itself is hidden as well, though at this point it is hardly a secret.
Young Frankenstein
Speaking of castles with secret doors and staircases and, in this case, laboratories; presenting, Young Frankenstein. Admittedly there is really only one Hidden Secret Thing in this movie --- but it’s a key element of one of the film’s best scenes. Shortly after arriving at Castle von Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein (frunk-en-shteen) retires to bed, but is soon awoken by strange music emanating from somewhere behind the walls of his room(!). Joined by his new assistant, Inga, who also heard the eerie melody, the two scour the good doctor’s quarters for the source of the haunting tune. In the search, Inga plucks a candle from its sconce to shed more light on the situation, triggering…well, you know.
Aladdin and the King of Thieves
The third and most beloved film in Disney’s Aladdin franchise, Aladdin and the King of Thieves sees Aladdin getting married and finally confronting his past in the form of the search for his father. Little does he know that Dad-laddin and all 39 of his closest friends are coming to confront him! This best installment of the adventures of Aladdin and company features a couple grand instances of Hidden Secret Stuff; namely, the summoning of the bridge to the secret hideout of the Forty Thieves with the phrase, “Open, Sesame!” Then, the later summoning of the secret, giant turtle-borne island of King Midas, that houses the Hand of Midas: a legendary artifact that turns all it touches to solid gold (even bad guys!). As far as Hidden Secret Treasure goes, this is up there with National Treasure’s Treasure of the World. Alas, the Hand is ultimately lost to the deep; but Aladdin discovers that his father was the real Hidden Secret Treasure all along!
(Note: I should perhaps clarify that the first “Aladdin” is undeniably the best in the trilogy. However, at age whatever when I first watched these movies, “King of Thieves” had three critical advantages: it had 100% more treasure, 500% more swashbuckling, and -100% Terrifying Giant Sand Cats.)
Tomb Raider (2018)
While we all appreciate Angelina Jolie’s invaluable contributions to the Tomb Raider canon, Alicia Vikander’s Lara Croft stands apart — at least in Hidden Secret Stuff. Based on the hit, series-revitalizing video games (specifically 2013’s Tomb Raider), the new film digs into Lara’s first major adventure as an explorer in her own right, much like Aladdin hunting for her lost father while standing in the way of the ever-nefarious Walton Goggins. Until the last act, the movie threatens not to contain any Hidden Secret Stuff (I remember preparing to flip a table), until finally our heroine leads the villains into the buried tomb(!) of an ancient queen(!). There they uncover color-based puzzles (lol), surprise slides, and death traps galore as they delve into the dungeon in search of a treasure that may not quite be what they're expecting.
The Princess Bride
The Princess Bride features one notable, highly formative Hidden Secret Thing: the secret entrance to the Pit of Despair, disguised as but one of countless trees in the woods outside the village of Florin (Is Florin both the nation and the village? Or just the nation? Or perhaps it’s a small, village-sized nation?). Clumsy kings Fezzik the Giant and Inigo the Spaniard are on their last straw. They need Westley, the Man in Black, the (fourth?) Dread Pirate Roberts, and they know he is trapped within The Pit, if only they could find the door. Unfortunately they did just accidentally knock out their only lead, The Albino who maintains The Pit. What to do?
Obviously, pray to the spirit of Inigo’s tragically murdered father, who apparently leads Inigo in a stumbling dance to the precise tree they need! Or they get very lucky. Either way, there was a long time, as a child, where I could not pass a knotted tree without pressing at least a few knots, just in case.
The Da Vinci Code
Ah, The Da Vinci Code. Oh, The Da Vinci Codeeee, you. Ummmm, The Da Vinci Code?
These are the feelings inspired by the epic conspiracy adventure starring Tom Hanks as Dr. Robert Langdon, fictional professor of art and “symbology” (when Wikipedia puts your area of study in quotation marks, you know you’re on the bleeding edge). More than National Treasure, more than Indiana Jones, even more than The Pope’s very own Exorcist, The Da Vinci Code is a perpetual Hidden Secret Stuff machine in the guise of a major motion picture. The quality of the movie as a whole is…up for debate, let’s say. But the quality of the secrets-hiding puzzles is…well, they’re also up for debate. But there sure are a lot of them, from secret safe-deposit boxes to secret crypts to more secret crypts, and the invisible cyphers and riddles and maps that connect them. I maintain that this movie is fun, if mostly because Tom Hanks is sporting an absurd amount of hair, Paul Bettany an absurd lack of melatonin, and Sir Ian McKellan an absurd amount of Englishness. And you know what? By the end, it all more or less works; if nothing else, it’ll certainly change the way you see The Louvre.
What are your favorite Hidden Secret Stuff moments or MacGuffins in media? Let me know below in the comments.